Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Alone

Who knew you could feel so alone when you are spending every waking moment with another human being - your own son. You've never been closer to anyone in your life. You're linked, connected, biologically, emotionally, spiritually. Maybe so close together that you can't even separate yourself from him. You forget where you end and he begins because you were one once, for nine months, and now the feeling remains. But it is a shadow of what was.

You don't have any ill feelings towards him at all - no regrets, no anger at your loss of self. And yet, you also feel like you can't mourn the loss - it would be selfish, you'd feel guilty, it would diminish the connection and joy you feel in him. So you go about your days, attempting to ground yourself in feedings every three hours and sleep when you can. But the days all meld together and look no different, and time passes so slowly in the days, yet they fly by and you wonder what you did. So you feel lost, in a see of diapers and breastmilk. You attempt to connect - to friends who don't know you anymore, colleagues that don't care anymore, other moms, who, like you, have lost the ability to connect because they are lost themselves too.

So, you just keep going, one day at a time, knowing it's normal, knowing it's getting easier, knowing that really you're not alone in what you're feeling. But inside, you grow more and more isolated. The you that is you grows quiet and still and you're not sure whether she'll resurface at all.

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