Wishless

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 35 - that "hope you've got your shit together by" age. I used to look at 35-year-olds and wonder if I'd ever feel that mature, sure of myself, or on the right track as they seemed. And the thing is, I must sheepishly admit, that suddenly and unexpectedly, I realize that I do.

Last week when I called Mazda to arrange financing to buy out my lease on our Mazda 5 (which is NOT a mini-van but a "cross-over vehicle"), the agent took down all Hubby & my pertinent info. Professions. Income. Assets.

"Wow, you have it all together," he said.

I laughed, "I know it's a bit boring, isn't it? Maybe I'll have to have a mid-life crisis and shake things up."

He laughed nervously, unsure if he'd offended me. "Well, then you can come in and pick out a yellow Miata."

"Sure," I responded, and thought of how Lucas says "sure" as a response to everything lately. When I asked him what "sure" meant, he said, "it means yes, and no, and I don't really know."

And that's exactly it. For one of the first times in my life, I have no idea what's next. I have no clearer sense of whether I'll be buying a miata, travelling through Europe, or blogging about our 2nd child. And stranger still, I'm not even sure which of these options I'd prefer.

Because I'm still stunned. I'm stunned by the fact that the universe has delivered my dreams to me. My husband with the "lovely soul" as my first boss described him. My son - so strong and solidly himself who has inspired my growth more than anything in my life. My employer - SFU - which continues to offer me wonderful new opportunities to learn from mentors and students alike. My writing career - taking off like a bird, finally, after years and years of my caging it for fear of flying. So many good people in my life - girlfriends and family and colleagues and writers and children - that inspire me and challenge me and in the end, just love me as me.

And I'm embarassed to put this into words for fear of sounding like I'm gloating. It's not my intent to boast. It's my intent to share this, to whisper to those people who want to hear... "Come here, come closer, I have a secret to tell you. You know what? I think it's actually possible to get what you want, because it keeps happening for me."

And then I will tell them what I believe. That it really is all about believing in your dreams. And quite likely they will roll their eyes then. The way I rolled my eyes at my father who raised me with motivational quotes from the greats. "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it." – William Arthur Ward. "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau. "Follow your bliss" - Joseph Campbell.  

And I didn't appreciate it then. But now I think maybe my father's incessant drilling of quotes that sound like graduation addresses, and hours and hours of motivational cassettes played while I was trapped in the car, and yes, watching him rise to his own dreams - maybe, just maybe, they did sink into my teenage skull. They allowed me to allow my own dreams, to live a part of my life up in the clouds imagining what could be, and to feel like that's a legitimate use of my brain and my time. And when I think of the many layers of "privilege" I have grown up with, (because, don't mistake me, I am aware its easier to dream when you're in a place of privilege), I think maybe this layer of requisite dreaming in my family has had the most impact. 

Several years ago, Hubby and I drew pictures of our dreams, each on our own. And when we compared, we found we had drawn the same thing - a house, a kid, and us partying with friends and family in our home. And whenever we remember we are living in that picture now, it thrills us.  

So, two years ago, on a road trip with my girl, Sarah, I suggested we draw pictures of our dreams one night in our hotel. And I drew this scene of me at a book reading. I'm standing in front of everyone, holding up a book that has my name on it, and in the audience are all women who are connecting with each other because of something I'm saying that resonates. And two weeks ago, I found myself standing in front of an audience at the Rhizome Cafe, at a book launch I'd organized, surrounded by my Write Club mamas, and our family and friends, listening to me read a piece from Torn. And suddenly it hit me that I was standing in the picture I'd drawn. Overcome with emotion, I shared this with the audience, as goosebumps rose up my arms. And when the readings were over, and I watched moms leaning across the tables sharing their stories with one another, I had to bite my lip to hold back tears. It was happening, just as I had envisioned, and just like my stick-figured drawing had illustrated. 

And to be honest, it's taken me almost two weeks to write about it and acknowledge it happened because I'm still in shock. People tell me "you're amazing" but I don't hear it. Because I don't know that that's what's it's really about. I will own that I'm driven, that I dream big, that I will give up sleep so I can work hard on what I want. But there's something bigger going on when I can draw a picture, and two years later, embody it. 

Call it luck. Call it God. Call it the universe, as I do. It doesn't matter what you call it. But as cheesy as it sounds, I believe it - dreams can come true.

I don't know what picture I'm going to draw next. Right now my page is blank, my path ahead is unclear. That's scary to me, as someone who always dreams about what's next, and the fact that I also don't want to "lose momentum" on this fast-moving river I seem to be on. 

But the thing is, I'm a little tired. And as my friend, Chris, asked me the other day, "don't you ever just go on cruise control?" and  maybe that's what needs to happen right now. I get to enjoy the ride. And undoubtedly, a few moments into the ride, I'll see something else that inspires me to new desires. And the next chase will begin. Because I never really rest for very long.

So, tomorrow when I have to make a wish as I blow out candles on my birthday cake, I really don't know what I'll say. I'm wishless right now... satisfied... satiated. And it feels like bliss. So maybe I'll just say... thank you. Dear universe, I am so very grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.